I’m Bianca and I feel feelings. I’m opening with this line because people often ask what I do and I never know how to put myself into one neat job title. If “Internet junkie” was a thing it’d be my label, but maybe Writer/Curator/Stylist/Foodie/Youtuber will suffice. In fact, writing my one-liner bio for the about section of this website gave me such a huge anxiety attack I wanted to hurl — I’m sure you can relate.
Many people don’t know this about me, but I have bipolar disorder. In short, this means I feel the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows but, I’m going to focus on the latter part for now. We’ll get to the former later. I often experience some sort of existential crisis (like any stereotypical brooding artist). No matter what I’m doing, I always hear a little voice in my head asking “why” or “what’s the point” or (this one’s my personal favourite) “AM I REALLY JUST A TINY, UNREMARKABLE SPECK IN THE UNENDING UNIVERSE?!?!”. I think that since I am a creative individual (with my head always in the clouds), I am the saddest when I have a hard time finding meaning or purpose in my endeavours.
Recently, I realized that I stopped making art for myself a long time ago. I started painting before I could talk yet I haven’t touched a brush to simply enjoy it in over 7 years. I rarely write about things that aren’t news-based and I eat a hell of a lot of junk food for somebody constantly waging for food sustainability. Yes, I use my creativity in the workplace but I forgot to take care of myself in the excitement of the hustle.
I wanted to find that feeling again, so I started doing more and more things for me. I stopped using “I don’t have time” as an excuse. I used my nights to take long, hot baths. I picked up yoga again. I wake up 15 minutes earlier to get ready in the morning because I love walking by large windows on the street and catching a reflection of my fire outfit (lol). A few weeks ago, I wrote a poem with a real pen and paper (omg right?). Sometimes I carry a notebook around and blind contour draw people I see on the street. However, the biggest change I had to make to finally feel okay was this:
I didn’t post about it. That would’ve made it something I was doing for somebody else. I learned to take little breaks from the World Wide Web aka the love of my life because I got so caught up in it I forgot who I was, much like any passionate romance. Unplugging also helped me develop my own opinions on things, instead of staying constantly bombarded by everyone’s social commentary.
Slowly, I started to feel better. In fact, I feel f-u-c-k-i-n-g fantastic. I think about my mental illness and wonder why it’s called an illness if it can feel this good. For years I was doing all the “me time” wrong. I knew I was going to get better by ~finding myself~ but I tried to do so with the social connection of a cellphone at my disposal 100% of the time — reblogging motivational words, texting my friends, and tweeting memes that made me laugh. These things are all great for maintaining mental health, but I didn’t realize the value in legitimate solitude.
I know it’s ironic that I chose to post this as my first piece on Kastor & Pollux’s online platform, but I wanted to lend a hand to somebody who might be in their low lows. I know you’re all weird art girls and sadboys with hopeless romantic tendencies, too.Â So take a breather from your phone/laptop, even if it’s for an hour. Sit, reflect, and cry if you need to â€” but get up eventually and do something you love. Go hiking. Take up gardening. Teach yourself to contour your face phenomenally. I have a friend who scrapes paint off palettes and moulds them together with more paint when she’s spaced out and only recently realized they’re works of art. IDK, whatever floats your boat. I’m going to pick up a canvas sometime this week. Although I still can’t answer any of my existential questions, I’m one step closer when I’m one step away from being crippled by them.
Hi! I’m Bianca. I feel feelings, and that’s that.